Want to say ‘no’? Make it a policy

For the rest of us, though, it can be difficult. People feel guilty declining a request. They don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings. Or maybe there’s an intimidation factor. For whatever reason, people find themselves doing what they don’t want to do – and sometimes feeling bitter or frustrated over it.

Here’s a trick that can help. In their book “How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty,” authors Connie Hatch and Patti Breitman introduce the tactic of invoking “policy.” You can formulate a personal or business policy and use it when you want to decline a request.

Here’s how it works. Your brother-in-law approaches you and asks to borrow $2,000 to renovate his porch (or whatever). Instead of agreeing against your will or arguing the propriety of a porch renovation, you just say this: “Sorry, it’s just my policy not to lend money to family.”

This gives an official, authoritative air to your refusal. It’s as if something outside yourself requires it and you simply have no choice but to abide by the policy. The matter is settled in advance. You can even add to the statement with something like, “I think the policy is a good idea, too, because money can really cause problems between family members. I’d hate to have problems between us.”

If the brother-in-law tries to argue that there won’t be any problems this time, you can retreat to, “Maybe not, but it’s still my policy and I’m sticking to it. Sorry.”

This has application in business assertiveness as well. A customer asks you to reduce the rate you charge for your work. Instead of debating, you can just say, “I’d really like to work on this project for you, but it’s a strict business policy that we don’t discount our rates. Maybe we can talk about scaling back some features of the project to get the price in line with what you’re willing to pay.”

Of course, invoking “policy” in business can convey a cold, officious air, and the idea does have its detractors. For that reason, it may be best to reserve it for less-than-reasonable requests or those you simply don’t wish to argue over. 

If used judiciously, this tactic cuts out needless debate. You don’t have to justify every given refusal and there’s less guilt involved.

It’s a powerful tool well worth considering.